Sometimes life is awful. Sometimes its made more awful when you know what you need to do but you have no idea how to get there or when significant obstacles stand in the way of it.
For instance
Time
Money
Plans
Support
But what really matters now is that I get it right with God - and then everything else will fall into place... eventually. I can't see the future and I don't know how my decision is going to play out - so its hard to believe that there is a right or a wrong here, but I know that God has a plan for me. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. It makes me cry... a lot. But its what I need right now, so bring it on. I know God's voice. It took me almost 21 years to learn to hear it, but I have (at least a little bit). I know that He speaks peace to our souls. He loves us. He loves me. He won't leave us stranded when we're at a crucial point. I know it. I just have to trust it.
I had my mind all made up to go to Tech. I did. Everything was playing out perfectly and I didn't see any flaws in it - but it didn't make any sense. I don't have any logical reason to go to tech. I can't see the future to know what will happen if I choose one way or the other. In these last few weeks doubt has crept in and held me firmly in its grasp.
God doesn't work through doubt.
or fear
or panic
He just doesn't.
That is not how answers come. They come with rightness, with a sense of peace - with a strengthening of faith. I know that. I just forgot it for a couple days. But the Lord is on my side. He wants this to work out and He is in control. I need to formally sit down and weigh my options, but I have a direction to go in... it's just a little dark right now. So I'll take a step of faith, and then another, and another, until I find the light God wants me to find.
"It will all be worth it in the end."
Be Still My Soul - Katharina von Schlegel; Jane Borthwick; Jean Sibelius
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
New Soul
So... I'm starting a blog... again. I don't know why I feel the need to do this, but I do. I think I need a place to write and be just as I am. A place where I can document not just the changes in my life but also the changes in me - because I'm evolving. I believe that every experience, every choice, every thought contributes a little to the person you're becoming - and I want to become. But I need somewhere, someone I can confide in and be open to, because no one really truly gets to hear or see the real me - and lately that is drowning me.
I'm pretty new to blogging, but I won't be marketing my blog for a while. Not until I know its safe to do so. So here are a few key facts about me (that I'll probably talk about a lot):
1. I have no home
I have spent my whole life moving around and compartmentalizing every place I live into a little box that can never be opened again. I have lived in 7 states and moved 12 times before I was 18. I settled into Lubbock, TX with the definite time limit of 'this will only be my home until I graduate.' And when I graduated, I fulfilled every hope and dream I had ever had and went to what I believed was my one true home - Brigham Young University. I loved this place and, to be honest, I still do, but I gave this place up as a home too. I chose almost two years ago to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe it has been one of the very best decisions I have made in my life. But in order to live and serve there, I had to make that place home and I had to give up BYU, with the promise that when I returned I could try to take it back.
So now I'm home - I'm even at BYU again. But its not really home. I have discovered that home is a very relative word -- and I associate it with places and people that I have loved, truly loved -- and if I cannot be where those things are... then its not home. So even though I have a roof and walls, I am homeless
2. I have a dear boy.
I have decided to use no names in this blog, so that (for the time being) is how I will refer to this boy that I have fallen in love with: my dear boy. I love him because he is witty, smart, funny, sweet, cute, kind, faithful, strong, and passionate. I love him in spite of the fact that I'm not sure if he loves me. I love him in spite of what anyone else has to say about it.
The problem? He lives in Lubbock and will be living in Lubbock for the foreseeable future... thus, a major reason for my homelessness.
3. I am certifiably crazy
Now, I can't say that in front of my mother or my father because it would make them cry and result in a chastisement, because they believe that I am 100% sane. But if I was sane I wouldn't need this blog. I would go talk to another human being and work my problems out like a normal human being. I wouldn't pace. I wouldn't talk to myself. And I certainly wouldn't be considering leaving my dream school to chase after a dear boy who may or may not love me back. So I must be crazy. I'm a cute kind of crazy - but a very intense kind too. My guess is that by the end of my blogging days I will either have become entirely sane... or someone will call 911 and have me committed. Let's just say I'm hoping for the former.
4. I believe that "happiness is the design of our existence"
I believe in a God who weeps, who knows us perfectly, and who loves us infinitely - in spite of all of our weaknesses, inadequacies, and flaws. I believe that because of that I am not a lost cause. I am not done. I am an unfinished product and I will only become finished as I walk by the light of my Savior. I believe that God created man that we might ALL have joy. So inspite of pain. loneliness, sorrow, hurt, and every other negative thing in this life -- the end goal of it all is to see us have joy. And that's why, ulitimately, this blog exists. So I have some record of my path to joy. A real, honest record that doesn't just hit on my weaknesses or my greatest successes - but reflects all of me and the changes in me too.
I'm a new soul. I was born into this very strange world. I make mistakes. I have felt joy and fear and love and trust and I truly, TRULY believe in happy endings. I'm just out to find my own now and facilitate others in finding theirs.
So... let it begin!
New Soul - Yael Naim
I'm pretty new to blogging, but I won't be marketing my blog for a while. Not until I know its safe to do so. So here are a few key facts about me (that I'll probably talk about a lot):
1. I have no home
I have spent my whole life moving around and compartmentalizing every place I live into a little box that can never be opened again. I have lived in 7 states and moved 12 times before I was 18. I settled into Lubbock, TX with the definite time limit of 'this will only be my home until I graduate.' And when I graduated, I fulfilled every hope and dream I had ever had and went to what I believed was my one true home - Brigham Young University. I loved this place and, to be honest, I still do, but I gave this place up as a home too. I chose almost two years ago to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe it has been one of the very best decisions I have made in my life. But in order to live and serve there, I had to make that place home and I had to give up BYU, with the promise that when I returned I could try to take it back.
So now I'm home - I'm even at BYU again. But its not really home. I have discovered that home is a very relative word -- and I associate it with places and people that I have loved, truly loved -- and if I cannot be where those things are... then its not home. So even though I have a roof and walls, I am homeless
2. I have a dear boy.
I have decided to use no names in this blog, so that (for the time being) is how I will refer to this boy that I have fallen in love with: my dear boy. I love him because he is witty, smart, funny, sweet, cute, kind, faithful, strong, and passionate. I love him in spite of the fact that I'm not sure if he loves me. I love him in spite of what anyone else has to say about it.
The problem? He lives in Lubbock and will be living in Lubbock for the foreseeable future... thus, a major reason for my homelessness.
3. I am certifiably crazy
Now, I can't say that in front of my mother or my father because it would make them cry and result in a chastisement, because they believe that I am 100% sane. But if I was sane I wouldn't need this blog. I would go talk to another human being and work my problems out like a normal human being. I wouldn't pace. I wouldn't talk to myself. And I certainly wouldn't be considering leaving my dream school to chase after a dear boy who may or may not love me back. So I must be crazy. I'm a cute kind of crazy - but a very intense kind too. My guess is that by the end of my blogging days I will either have become entirely sane... or someone will call 911 and have me committed. Let's just say I'm hoping for the former.
4. I believe that "happiness is the design of our existence"
I believe in a God who weeps, who knows us perfectly, and who loves us infinitely - in spite of all of our weaknesses, inadequacies, and flaws. I believe that because of that I am not a lost cause. I am not done. I am an unfinished product and I will only become finished as I walk by the light of my Savior. I believe that God created man that we might ALL have joy. So inspite of pain. loneliness, sorrow, hurt, and every other negative thing in this life -- the end goal of it all is to see us have joy. And that's why, ulitimately, this blog exists. So I have some record of my path to joy. A real, honest record that doesn't just hit on my weaknesses or my greatest successes - but reflects all of me and the changes in me too.
I'm a new soul. I was born into this very strange world. I make mistakes. I have felt joy and fear and love and trust and I truly, TRULY believe in happy endings. I'm just out to find my own now and facilitate others in finding theirs.
So... let it begin!
New Soul - Yael Naim
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