So... I'm starting a blog... again. I don't know why I feel the need to do this, but I do. I think I need a place to write and be just as I am. A place where I can document not just the changes in my life but also the changes in me - because I'm evolving. I believe that every experience, every choice, every thought contributes a little to the person you're becoming - and I want to become. But I need somewhere, someone I can confide in and be open to, because no one really truly gets to hear or see the real me - and lately that is drowning me.
I'm pretty new to blogging, but I won't be marketing my blog for a while. Not until I know its safe to do so. So here are a few key facts about me (that I'll probably talk about a lot):
1. I have no home
I have spent my whole life moving around and compartmentalizing every place I live into a little box that can never be opened again. I have lived in 7 states and moved 12 times before I was 18. I settled into Lubbock, TX with the definite time limit of 'this will only be my home until I graduate.' And when I graduated, I fulfilled every hope and dream I had ever had and went to what I believed was my one true home - Brigham Young University. I loved this place and, to be honest, I still do, but I gave this place up as a home too. I chose almost two years ago to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe it has been one of the very best decisions I have made in my life. But in order to live and serve there, I had to make that place home and I had to give up BYU, with the promise that when I returned I could try to take it back.
So now I'm home - I'm even at BYU again. But its not really home. I have discovered that home is a very relative word -- and I associate it with places and people that I have loved, truly loved -- and if I cannot be where those things are... then its not home. So even though I have a roof and walls, I am homeless
2. I have a dear boy.
I have decided to use no names in this blog, so that (for the time being) is how I will refer to this boy that I have fallen in love with: my dear boy. I love him because he is witty, smart, funny, sweet, cute, kind, faithful, strong, and passionate. I love him in spite of the fact that I'm not sure if he loves me. I love him in spite of what anyone else has to say about it.
The problem? He lives in Lubbock and will be living in Lubbock for the foreseeable future... thus, a major reason for my homelessness.
3. I am certifiably crazy
Now, I can't say that in front of my mother or my father because it would make them cry and result in a chastisement, because they believe that I am 100% sane. But if I was sane I wouldn't need this blog. I would go talk to another human being and work my problems out like a normal human being. I wouldn't pace. I wouldn't talk to myself. And I certainly wouldn't be considering leaving my dream school to chase after a dear boy who may or may not love me back. So I must be crazy. I'm a cute kind of crazy - but a very intense kind too. My guess is that by the end of my blogging days I will either have become entirely sane... or someone will call 911 and have me committed. Let's just say I'm hoping for the former.
4. I believe that "happiness is the design of our existence"
I believe in a God who weeps, who knows us perfectly, and who loves us infinitely - in spite of all of our weaknesses, inadequacies, and flaws. I believe that because of that I am not a lost cause. I am not done. I am an unfinished product and I will only become finished as I walk by the light of my Savior. I believe that God created man that we might ALL have joy. So inspite of pain. loneliness, sorrow, hurt, and every other negative thing in this life -- the end goal of it all is to see us have joy. And that's why, ulitimately, this blog exists. So I have some record of my path to joy. A real, honest record that doesn't just hit on my weaknesses or my greatest successes - but reflects all of me and the changes in me too.
I'm a new soul. I was born into this very strange world. I make mistakes. I have felt joy and fear and love and trust and I truly, TRULY believe in happy endings. I'm just out to find my own now and facilitate others in finding theirs.
So... let it begin!
New Soul - Yael Naim
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